Have you noticed that Whales have begun behaving a little oddly? A
couple of years back we had Orca cavorting in the River Lee; then there was a
whale that somehow got stuck in the Firth of the Forth; now according to reports,
humpbacks are trying to force their way
up the Bandon River. Nobody seems particularly worried, but when a whale starts
to submarine up an inland waterway, that’s like a human flapping their arms and
standing at the top of a skyscraper making tweet-tweet noises. One theory is that
radar and sonar signals from shipping are messing with the inner tracking
systems of these leviathans. But I personally think that they’re just trying to
get away from Japanese and Norwegian people bearing harpoons. The smarter
whales have decided to disguise themselves as overweight salmon, probably
reasoning that the worst that can happen is fly-impaled top lip. For some years
now, these harpoon-dodgers – posing as peel – have been splashing up the Bandon River to spawn, terrifying anglers and
getting stuck under some of the smaller bridges. The Government have hushed it
up as far as news reportage is concerned - obviously keen to maintain
diplomatic relations with Japan to keep up a supply of Toyota’s and Nintendo consoles. And antagonising Norway after their last visitation in longboats is
unthinkable. Government spokesmen have been putting it all down to an angler’s
natural tendency to exaggerate the size of the fish they’ve lost:
“I’m telling ya, it
must have weighed at least three tons and it was this long:”
Angler paces out fifty metre section of riverbank.
Well, last week the blubber hit the fan when two humpbacks became wedged
under the arches of a bridge in Murragh. There were all manner of complaints
from local farmers who claimed the whales kept them awake half the night with
tuneless lugubrious singing.
“Twas like two auld fellers
caterwauling after a crate of porter.” Was how one local put it to me. “T’wouldn’t
have been so bad if they’d known the bleddy words.”
All of this got out only because photographs of the two whales struggling
under the bridge with a coach going over the top, were posted on the Internet
Site www.whalespretendingtobesalmon.ie. After this the whole story unravelled:
accounts of anglers desperate not to relinquish hold of their rods, waterskiing
on their belly’s from Innishannon to Enniskean. Even worse, some of the whales,
on reaching the spawning pools around Dunmanway have been indulging in X-rated
behaviour – enough to make David Attenborough blush. The problem being, that
they can’t lay eggs and fertilize them like a salmon and so have been trying to
reproduce normally in shallow pools. As whales are the largest mammals on earth
in more ways than one, Peeping Toms have run screaming from the riverbank, vowing
celibacy for life. Meanwhile, research at the other end of the salmon’s
spawning cycle has suggested that weird whales are causing havoc with Canadian river
fauna. Grizzly bears, for instance, who for aeons have stood at the top of
waterfalls to snatch migrating salmon, have been particularly hard hit. Bears standing hopefully at
the top of their local waterfall, have been head butted by three-ton minke
whales leaping from a pool below. Reports suggest that the Grizzly population
has been massively demoralised by it all. Understandably, waking up a little
peckish and gambolling down to a nearby river for breakfast only to be
torpedoed by something the size of a bus with a mouth you could hibernate in,
has affected the appetite of many bears. Forest rangers claim thousands of the
grizzlies are depressed and lie cowering in caves with paws over their heads.
Teams of volunteers waving large picnic baskets have attempted to entice these
Yogi’s from their lairs to no avail.
Clearly things will only get worse unless a ban on whaling is implemented
immediately.
And if the government won’t get tough with Whaling Nations, ordinary
people should take direct action themselves. Forget petitions. Just write a
stiff letter to the Japanese or Norwegian governments and sign it Barack Obama.
After all, if a humpback can change their identity, why shouldn’t you or I pretend
to be President of the United States? Bush did.
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